At The Mercy Of A Giant
I watched a great comedy routine a couple weeks ago by Louis CK. He made a great point in a funny way: Kids are the only people it’s okay to hit.
Obviously, children are the most vulnerable among us. They’re the smallest. Yet, they’re the only ones we’re allowed to hit.
Who made up that rule? Not kids I can tell you. Adults have a chance to protect themselves or leave, kids don’t. How did we come up with the belief that it’s okay to hit them? Because we’re big and we have the power? That’s not a good reason.
How would you feel if suddenly there were giants walking around about 3 times your size who could smack you around anytime they didn’t like the words that came out of your mouth or the things you did? Does the word terror come to mind?
Children Trust Us
Kids depend on us, their nature is to trust. Kids automatically believe big people know everything and are always right.
Imagine what it must feel like to have a huge person hit you (or perhaps you remember from experience). It instills FEAR, humiliation, anger, hurt, shame. Do you think those emotions create a well-adjusted person?
A child is never a “match” for a grown-up. They’re automatically in the one-down position. So, why hit them?
Imagine the confusion and hurt when an adult hauls off and slaps or belts a child. Regardless of the transgression (imagined or “real), they think there’s something terribly wrong with them. And it harms them on many levels.
Don’t Make Excuses
Frequently you hear people say “It didn’t hurt me” as they take a smack at their own kids. Take a look. Do they seem well-adjusted to you?
If you’ve hit a lot you will NOT have a close relationship with your child. Why? They won’t trust you. Trust is a prerequisite for a real relationship.
Why Not Have A Conversation With Your Child
Yelling at a kid is enough to take them down (unless you do it so much they shut down to protect themselves and that in itself is harmful). You’re the big person on the block.
Love and conversation about an event are ultimately more effective than hitting. Talking about things is a great opportunity for learning and growing.
We All Have Limits
From where I sit hitting does NOT make for the best relationships ever! Yet, we all become frustrated and have limits. If you do hit them because you lost your temper, apologize to them. Children know how to forgive and it teaches them a great lesson – that adults make mistakes too. And can admit them.
Try to take time out for yourself if you need it. A great pediatrician once told a young mother with a difficult toddler to walk outside for a few moments if you have to. What great advice. Try not to take off for the local bar, though. Speaking of, do make certain you get a babysitter and go out on occasion for adult time with your partner and/or friends.
Your Thoughts On Hitting
People tend to have strong beliefs regarding hitting (by the way, spanking IS hitting). I’d like to hear your perspective.
- Do you think hitting children is okay?
- Were you hit as a child? What was that like for you?
- Are there times you feel hitting is justified?
I look forward to hearing from you. In the meantime, wishing your children and you the opportunity for the best relationships ever!
Photo Courtesy of: http://www.flickr.com/photos/peasap
{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
What stuck out as key to me in all that you said so well was: “If you do hit them because you lost your temper, apologize to them. Children know how to forgive and it teaches them a great lesson – that adults make mistakes too. And can admit them.”
That’s a big problem with adults, apologizing to children, because we do, generally, see ourselves as above them which allows us to so easily lord it over them as opposed to taking the time to instruct them and nurture them. And, yeah, children can get on our last nerve and stay there but how we deal with it is how they most likely will grow up to deal with it when they’re no longer “less than.” I say spare the rod and mold the child in a way that they learn to love and care and not seek easy irresponsible ways of solving problems.
Great piece, Lauren. Very much needed.
Dear Ernesto,
YOU, along with my lovely friend Theresa, are the most remarkable child advocate I know. It is heartwarming and inspiring to know there are people out there such as yourself truly caring for children in the best of ways.
Thanks for your thoughts and kind words,
Love,
Lauren
The idea of hitting as discipline has disturbed me for a long time. I know it was considered normal at one time – but the fact that it’s still around today is unbelievable.
You really paint a clear picture when you used the word “giant” – that is what an adult looks like to a child. – and there are real alternatives – ones that actually work.
Thank you Aileen.
It is remarkable that hitting is still so common. I recently saw a brochure about how Dr. Spock had it all wrong when he suggested not hitting children.
Oops, I see I need to update my comment LUV so in the meantime I love your comment.
Big hugs,
Lauren
Another truly important post. No, I could never in any situation justify hitting a child as the way to go. As a petite woman, I know how threatened I feel when I’m around someone who’s big in stature and displays physical aggression. I can only imagine how terrifying it must feel for a little child to be hit by a parent. Someone whom they’ve grown to depend on expect to be protected by hitting them is, no doubt, damaging and abusive. They really are forming so much of their worldview as they grown and to have violence imprinted in their minds during those childhood years is a burden that they will carry well into adulthood. Breaks my heart that this still happens. xox
Dearest Belinda
I just knew you weren’t a hitter!
I too feel sad when I see children mistreated in any way. Do we not get how vulnerable they are?
It’s nice to know you’re in this world Belinda