Home
Since I just returned from a trip home – a rather pleasant one at that – I thought it a good time to write about your feelings about home and how they relate to your beliefs about love.
Years ago I facilitated a workshop about relationship separations, the topic of my doctoral dissertation.
I was amazed by what I saw people do to each other when they were breaking up and wondered about the adage there’s a thin line between love and hate. I wanted to understand what happened to people during this often painful process.
I read a lot about relationships and came upon an interesting and revealing exercise by Barbara DeAngelis, Ph.D. In her exercise, DeAngelis equated our feelings about love with our feelings about home.
HOME = LOVE
Think about what it was like growing up. Are there specific feelings or situations that come to mind? Write them down and use a word to describe the feeling or situation (ex: mom was always angry: anxious).
Questions to ask yourself:
Was there lots of affection in your home or was affection withheld?
Were you frequently criticized?
Were your parents available to take care of you? Were your needs met?
How was anger expressed – or not?
Were there addictions?
What was your parent’s relationship like?
Was love freely exchanged?
Did you feel a sense of stability?
Did your family communicate about feelings?
Did family members support one another?
How about fidelity?
Did you feel “safe” or anxious in your home?
Key Words About Home
Write down 6 keywords about your home life growing up.
Positive examples might be:
- safe
- secure
- loving
- open
- caring
- fun
- joy-filled
- comfortable
- inspiring
- supportive
Negative examples:
- scary
- chaotic
- critical
- dishonest
- not available
- disregarding
- shut down
- betrayal
- abandonment
- violent
Take the six keywords you wrote about home:
Home = (the six keywords).
Now substitute the word home with LOVE = (the six keywords about home).
This may help you understand how you have formed your beliefs about love and relationship. It may also shed light on past or current partners you have chosen as we tend to repeat the familiar until we learn new patterns of relating.
Embracing A New Perspective
If you find some of your words about love to be negative, recognize that you can change your beliefs about love. It is good to do this exercise as a starting point to gain awareness of how your beliefs about love were formed.
We learn about love early in life, yet as adults have the capacity to claim a new perspective.
Abraham-Hicks makes the statement a belief is simply a thought you keep thinking over and over. You then call this belief “reality”. We change our beliefs by changing our dominant habits of thought and creating the emotion we wish to experience in the process.
I’d love to hear what comes up for you in doing this exercise. Feel free to write and let me know!
I’ll continue to share ways you can work with your thoughts and feelings in order to create more love in your life. In fact, I’m just putting the finishing touches on a gift that shows you how to can increase your “love bank account”. I hope you enjoy it!
In the meantime, be well, and may you experience the best relationships ever!
{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
Lauren,
As I did this exercise (and maybe a bit too quickly) – the focus was really on the positive words…and that felt good. As I think back, though – love, especially an outward showing of it – was not commonplace for the males in my life. (and not taking anything away from them – as they all showed love, just not in the sense of affection/touch/loving words).
I believe I’ve made progress in this realm, although I also believe there is much more I could still do. So I very much believe we CAN change – although some paradigms aren’t easy (I think amongst males – the above is more likely the norm instead of the exception). So – does all of that make a difference, though? Am I stereotyping – based on gender? Is that fair? Or – should it be that I just live more from my heart? And in doing that – it matters not what my gender is as to what I do – I just live from that place that touches upon my heart…
Hmmm….not necessarily easy….
And so good to think about. Lauren, thank you for this…
Much love to you,
Lance
Lance´s last blog ..The Power Of A Smile
Dear Lance,
Nice to hear from you, always. You bring up interesting questions. How does gender play a role in all this? When I was younger, I dismissed gender issues. Now I view it differently.
There are so many factors that make up who we are. I love that we can choose to look at ourselves and change. As you point out, it’s not always easy.
What promotes change? This is a question I’ve pondered for a long time. While I believe insight is a good first step, I feel it takes sometimes takes more than “talk therapy”.
Holistic approaches (energy therapies) seem to touch into a core place that talking doesn’t always reach.
I know that you do practice being in your heart, Lance, and that is why going to your site is always an uplifting experience. Men have a lot to offer, heart and otherwise. It’s good we’re not alike, we get the yin and yang of it all – a great thing!
Warm regards,
Lauren
Lauren´s last blog ..Home Our Beliefs About Love
Hi Lauren,
I’m happily “embracing a new perspective”- I like how you worded that.
It is interesting to delve in to the origins of our beliefs on love. I give thanks for our capacity to change our beliefs!
Love, Lisa
Dear Lisa,
New perspective is a good thing indeed!
I, too, am appreciative that we can always expand and grow into new beliefs. It makes life a wonderful experience and something we participate in, rather something that just “happens” to us!
Love you too,
Lauren
Lauren´s last blog ..Home Our Beliefs About Love
Hi! This is a fun exercise. I love Barbara DeAngelis and Abraham-Hicks teachings. I had a loving home so my exercise came up pretty good. I agree that our beliefs are what limit us, including in our love life. Byron Katie’s teaching is also a great tool in terms of examining beliefs. Blessings and much love!
Andrea DeBell – britetalk´s last blog ..Why Did You Do That
Dear Andrea,
Nice to meet you and how awesome that you have good experiences of home.
I’ve heard Byron Katie speak (in Ojai). Always good to add more valuable information to the mix. Thanks!
Warm regards,
Lauren